1st draft: I

Sometimes I want to write a lot about myself, and sometimes I have nothing to tell about me. What is it that is so complicated? So weird? So Unexplainable?

I have these millions of syllables in my head trying make a sentence so I can spill out what I feel , to tell people what I want to say, to explain my friends and family that for me It is difficult sometimes to just be myself , So I hope they excuse me for shutting myself out . I am not really good with talking but I think I do okay in writing my thoughts down. Honestly there are hundreds of pages I've written until today which I havent read or showed to anyone and thousands of more which I couldn't even gather courage to pen down on paper or notepad. It's not that I'm embarrassed for someone to see it Actually yeah that might be one of the reasons why I don't but that's not all. I think I'm broken. I don't really like admitting it but I believe that I am. And ofcourse I won't want you to see me broken as in some kind of half bodied situation. Its more like.. I'm broken from my heart, my feelings, or my mental health maybe. I am not really sure but there is something not really right. Now you would say... O yeah everyone says that everyone have tough phases.. It will pass etc.

But out of respect, Just stop saying those words, its not going to be okay , it wont pass .. I know because I have tried it. I have been trying to keep myself smiling, happy , travel as much as I can, keep myself busy, tried to get new friends, almost did whatever my heart wanted but its nothing which is helping me get the calmness I need. The sense of freshness, when you standing by the cliff and you know you are gonna fall by taking just one step ahead but you still keep your head up, look at the sky and close your eyes, take a deep breath like this is gonna be the last wave of fresh air which gonna circulate through your lungs, so you are just calm and letting that process happen. That is the calmness I have been searching for.

Now on the same note, this is not about how unhappy I am in my life. I am actually very grateful for whatever I have in my life and totally believe that I should admit the privilege I've been living my life with but does that actually make you a normal person? You can have all the things you wish for and still be missing out something very tiny which you need.

It's not just about me, its about you as well. And with that I am going to leave this blog unfinished as well, just with some questions and some statements which goes through my mind.

Hope to write more often!

- Astha Goswami